Saturday, August 07, 2004

Right.. I haven't typed in this for so long. Does anyone even read this anymore? Maybe I should wait to see if people actually read this before I start yappin' away in it. No?

Angel | 8/07/2004

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Woot! I keep pissing off Kyle and all his friends. Hehehehe!!!! Woot. ..... I want to do that again.. woot. Hahaha! I'm at home right now. (F-CK YOUUUU) I miss matt, I like kenny, I miss matt, i dun get to see kenny today :( haha.. i hate myself. woot. i'm going to bed....... woot.

Angel | 4/22/2004

Thursday, April 15, 2004

It's been so long since I've typed anything up this this. I have a new diary too, but that's a little too personal. Heh'.. In my heart Matt is still there, and it pisses me off. All my tarrot readings tell me we'll get back together. I'm sick of all these guys telling me they love me.. when they don't even know me. But the ones who do, hate me.. or do they? I want to cry every night, and I feel sick tonight, something tonight is not right.. I haven't cried in so long. I can't feel emotion, so I cling to the last emotion I remember.. it's been a while since I cried. what is love? Why so much sex, lust, money- ect? fame? What about watching your children run through the sprinkler? You husband mowing the lawn? What if my goal in life.. is to watch my child pick a rose from the garden? Or watch her grow up.. so I can whipe away her tears. Or to see my husband resting peaceful beside me.. huh? what if I want to paint a picture.. but never show a soul? I want to dance on the beach at night, I want to watch the ocean tide by the light of the moon.. love. There was once a chance that I was el'prego.. and I knew I was, believe me.. you just know you are. And deep down I knew I could not have this child, because all things would go to hell.. but I prayed to keep it anyway, I prayed to god, I needed someone to love.. first time I ever honestly got down on my knees and tried to believe in god. i missed my whole week.. and more.. but then, after all the stress, and me trying to kill myself. I felt the soul in me die.. it was depressing. I tried again to die after that.. but I keep seeming to fail. I don't know why I'm here. Or why p[eople even like me.. or if they even do.. lol, i dunno..

Angel | 4/15/2004

Wednesday, March 17, 2004

I'm not in the best of moods right now, though that may have to do with the fact that I have not taken my medicine today- BAD IDEA! Does anyone even read this anymore? I bet you don't.. that makes me sad. Read me! I have a crush on someone, though I don't know if that will exactly go anywhere... I still care about Matt.. bad me!

Angel | 3/17/2004

Sunday, March 14, 2004

I want to save the world.. I want to sing out on stage.. I want love.. but I don't think it exsists anymore..

Angel | 3/14/2004

Friday, March 05, 2004

I want to die right now, I told you this many times before. I've tried to kill myself at least twice that I can account for. I just found out Jake made out with my mother, Matt hates me, and probably most of all... the people that care most about me I cannot seem to connect with right now, because all I have in my heart is that fucking pain and suffering of traitors that I held closest to my heart. How fucking smart I've turned to be.. My mother is always telling me that I am ruining her plans, my father says I'm a selfish kid he is sorry for raising.. Matt makes me feel worthless, Mike thinks I'm stupid. Jake thinks I'm a whore, so does kyle.. I'll admit I wanted that baby, because I needed something.. someone to live for. Because I knew I could not last on my own.. I cannot live for myself, and yet "God" hath taken away what he had given, because I could swear upon my living grave I felt that spirit within me before I felt the blood poor from my flesh. So, this is how my life seems to play, I am but a waste of energy upon the damned place we know as earth. Now, may I ask... CAN I PLEASE FUCKING END IT NOW? No? Why? Because I need to suffer longer? Is that it you fucking pieces of shit!!!??? Well fuck you! I've had my fucking fill! You want to know what it's like to be "oh so beautiful me"!? Be verbally abused by both father figures your whole life, even physically abused, sexually abused, come on! Thinks that's all?? Fuck no! Take care of your mentally ill mother your whole god damn life then be yelled at for it. Then give your heart to three pieces of shit.. tie in with two father figures- five men of fucking god you son of a mother fucking bitch! I told you Matt! I fucking told you that you would be the fifth man of god to kill me, like in that fucking song- Her ghost in the fog. I have been mentally and physically raped and not at least may I spring one baby of love that could keep the light in my eyes! Tell me, do I look alive to you know!? Do I seem to sparkle like I once did!? Well, THAT'S ALL YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT!! HOW ABOUT YOU, GOD!? YOU FUCKING NON-EXSISTING PIECE OF SHIT! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN YOU FUCKING PRICK!? ON YOUR FAT ASS FUCKING VIRGINS!? Well, tell ya' what!? That's what guys have been doing to me! Why the FUCK should I live for anything? Or any fucking one? FUCK YOUD! WHO EVER FUCKING LIVED FOR ME!? TELL ME THAT YOU PIECES OF SHIT!! WHO!? Later.

Angel | 3/05/2004

all right, i'm seriously upset, pray for me...

Angel | 3/05/2004

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

Right, so both of my arms are a total mess of scratches and blood clots. And no one can tell an adult because if they do I'll be thrown back into Madison for a long- ass time. Because I won't act okay to get out again, I'll go fuckin' nuts. I don't know why I still love that fucker. Someone please snap me out of it. I might have been pregnant with his child, and when I mentioned it he told me to kill it or he'd want nothing to do with it, and blamed everything on me. I cried my heart out and got a hold of a pocket knife.. and not I can not wear any short sleave shirts, my arms are a total mess.

Angel | 3/03/2004