Lady Lucifer

2004-08-07T05:03:00.000-07:00

Right.. I haven't typed in this for so long. Does anyone even read this anymore? Maybe I should wait to see if people actually read this before I start yappin' away in it. No?

2004-04-22T09:41:00.000-07:00

Woot! I keep pissing off Kyle and all his friends. Hehehehe!!!! Woot. ..... I want to do that again.. woot. Hahaha! I'm at home right now. (F-CK YOUUUU) I miss matt, I like kenny, I miss matt, i dun get to see kenny today :( haha.. i hate myself. woot. i'm going to bed....... woot.

2004-04-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

It's been so long since I've typed anything up this this. I have a new diary too, but that's a little too personal. Heh'.. In my heart Matt is still there, and it pisses me off. All my tarrot readings tell me we'll get back together. I'm sick of all these guys telling me they love me.. when they don't even know me. But the ones who do, hate me.. or do they? I want to cry every night, and I feel sick tonight, something tonight is not right.. I haven't cried in so long. I can't feel emotion, so I cling to the last emotion I remember.. it's been a while since I cried. what is love? Why so much sex, lust, money- ect? fame? What about watching your children run through the sprinkler? You husband mowing the lawn? What if my goal in life.. is to watch my child pick a rose from the garden? Or watch her grow up.. so I can whipe away her tears. Or to see my husband resting peaceful beside me.. huh? what if I want to paint a picture.. but never show a soul? I want to dance on the beach at night, I want to watch the ocean tide by the light of the moon.. love. There was once a chance that I was el'prego.. and I knew I was, believe me.. you just know you are. And deep down I knew I could not have this child, because all things would go to hell.. but I prayed to keep it anyway, I prayed to god, I needed someone to love.. first time I ever honestly got down on my knees and tried to believe in god. i missed my whole week.. and more.. but then, after all the stress, and me trying to kill myself. I felt the soul in me die.. it was depressing. I tried again to die after that.. but I keep seeming to fail. I don't know why I'm here. Or why p[eople even like me.. or if they even do.. lol, i dunno..

2004-03-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

I'm not in the best of moods right now, though that may have to do with the fact that I have not taken my medicine today- BAD IDEA! Does anyone even read this anymore? I bet you don't.. that makes me sad. Read me! I have a crush on someone, though I don't know if that will exactly go anywhere... I still care about Matt.. bad me!

2004-03-14T16:17:00.000-08:00

I want to save the world.. I want to sing out on stage.. I want love.. but I don't think it exsists anymore..

2004-03-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

I want to die right now, I told you this many times before. I've tried to kill myself at least twice that I can account for. I just found out Jake made out with my mother, Matt hates me, and probably most of all... the people that care most about me I cannot seem to connect with right now, because all I have in my heart is that fucking pain and suffering of traitors that I held closest to my heart. How fucking smart I've turned to be.. My mother is always telling me that I am ruining her plans, my father says I'm a selfish kid he is sorry for raising.. Matt makes me feel worthless, Mike thinks I'm stupid. Jake thinks I'm a whore, so does kyle.. I'll admit I wanted that baby, because I needed something.. someone to live for. Because I knew I could not last on my own.. I cannot live for myself, and yet "God" hath taken away what he had given, because I could swear upon my living grave I felt that spirit within me before I felt the blood poor from my flesh. So, this is how my life seems to play, I am but a waste of energy upon the damned place we know as earth. Now, may I ask... CAN I PLEASE FUCKING END IT NOW? No? Why? Because I need to suffer longer? Is that it you fucking pieces of shit!!!??? Well fuck you! I've had my fucking fill! You want to know what it's like to be "oh so beautiful me"!? Be verbally abused by both father figures your whole life, even physically abused, sexually abused, come on! Thinks that's all?? Fuck no! Take care of your mentally ill mother your whole god damn life then be yelled at for it. Then give your heart to three pieces of shit.. tie in with two father figures- five men of fucking god you son of a mother fucking bitch! I told you Matt! I fucking told you that you would be the fifth man of god to kill me, like in that fucking song- Her ghost in the fog. I have been mentally and physically raped and not at least may I spring one baby of love that could keep the light in my eyes! Tell me, do I look alive to you know!? Do I seem to sparkle like I once did!? Well, THAT'S ALL YOUR GOD DAMN FAULT!! HOW ABOUT YOU, GOD!? YOU FUCKING NON-EXSISTING PIECE OF SHIT! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN YOU FUCKING PRICK!? ON YOUR FAT ASS FUCKING VIRGINS!? Well, tell ya' what!? That's what guys have been doing to me! Why the FUCK should I live for anything? Or any fucking one? FUCK YOUD! WHO EVER FUCKING LIVED FOR ME!? TELL ME THAT YOU PIECES OF SHIT!! WHO!? Later.

2004-03-05T18:45:00.000-08:00

all right, i'm seriously upset, pray for me...

2004-03-03T11:50:00.000-08:00

Right, so both of my arms are a total mess of scratches and blood clots. And no one can tell an adult because if they do I'll be thrown back into Madison for a long- ass time. Because I won't act okay to get out again, I'll go fuckin' nuts. I don't know why I still love that fucker. Someone please snap me out of it. I might have been pregnant with his child, and when I mentioned it he told me to kill it or he'd want nothing to do with it, and blamed everything on me. I cried my heart out and got a hold of a pocket knife.. and not I can not wear any short sleave shirts, my arms are a total mess.

2004-03-01T15:56:00.000-08:00

I still like Matt.. heh', but I'm doing a lot better now. Kenny's so cute!! and Casie. I'm feeling a lot better, but I suppose I really should get to my homework right now. I loves all. Jack off Jill!

2004-02-29T15:38:00.001-08:00

I LOVE YOU TRICIA!!!

2004-02-29T15:38:00.000-08:00

I'm looking at horse breeds right now, because when I get out into California, my grandfather is going to allow me to have one. I talked to Matt again, he thinks I'm kind of stalking me because I rang up his phone line.. forgetful, he said he wanted to be my weed man, but yet when I get him costomers, he thinks I'm just going after him. Whatever, he said he wants to kill Mandy now, which means he's slowly moving on, anyway.. it will take him a while, which is my perfect chance to stop bothing with him and go have fun. Haha! Kenny is such a sweet heart, and he's cute.. as well as Casie. Anyway. I'm stopping the "bad habbit" aren't you proud? Yay. Some people are just ass holes.. kill 'em. Well, it's about six, and I need to go clean my room. Loves.

2004-02-26T16:32:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about trying to bail out Jake.. I don't know. I feel so hated right now. I care about Matt, and yet I know he'll probably never return the feeling... I don't know.. I'm just sad right now...... FOOD!!

2004-02-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

I just got done reading my old posts... this thing has spell check!? What the hell? !! Lol. Matt loving me, but me not truely returning the feeling, and now I do.. my how things change. It fucking sucks. :: Smashes stuff.:: Ah, I feel better now.. okay, not really. Life totally fucking sucks, i hate love. I made out with two girls while I was drunk. Heheheheh....... STUPID LOVE!!! make it go awwwwaaaaaayyyyyyyyy

2004-02-26T08:04:00.000-08:00

I'm really sad at the moment. My friend is going to turn into a zombie, because he takes so many drugs I'm not sure who he is anymore. It makes me want to cry, but I know he doesn't even care about me anymore, which is sad.. but hopefully I'll be okay. This weekend sucked ass. I went with my father on Monday night, which he wouldn't let me see my heros to thank them, and it pissed me off. Mind you that charcoal whiped out all of my medicine, it's like I never took it before. So I'm flipping, then he threatends to send me to Madison, so I flip even more.. and I had to stay there anyway. Then on Tuesday he calls me selfish, complains about my music, refuses to let me listen to it in my room, tells me that I worship the devil, insults my clothing, and once again.. refuses to let me see any human life because he doesn't feel like it. Fuckin' ass hole. This shit pisses me off. The minute I saw Matt I clung to him. I care for him so much, but yet I know he does not like me... I'm sad. I'm going to the counsler's apt today, surprisingly. It's for thirty minutes. Everyone seems to know about what I did. As well as Jake going to prison with four counts of child molestation... I don't want people to be mad at me. Should I try to free him? I don't know, I don't remember what happened, I cut it out of my mind.. I'm sorry. Oh well, my mother caught me high again last night. She was kind of upset, then she found it funny how I couldn't comprehend anything. I felt better when she started to light up a bit too.. I don't know. I've slept with one guy in my entire life. (willingly) and he's the only one I can't have. Though he tells me to feel free to take advantage of him when he's drugged up. Lol, but that's just being a guy ya' know? Or.. well, not really for him. But I'm never sure anymore. I'm sick as fuck and I hate it. I think I did well on my final though, so I'm pretty happy. Please.. do not make me go back to my father's this weekend, I'll snap. I swear I will. But, I don't have to! I'm going to stay with a friend. I miss Kyle in a friend's sense, but not in a bf-gf way. He's nice, sometimes. Lol. I'm going to be moving to California after this year. Which will be.. okay.. seeing some of the seniors I know are as well. All in LA, or around there I think. Yeah. Well.. I suppose I should go now, right? Loves..

2004-02-26T07:56:00.000-08:00

Tricia. I'm so sorry, I felt reallly ashamed. I love you! A lot. I'll call you when I get home. I just didn't want you to think poorly of me, I really do care..

2004-02-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'm in deep shit. I tried to kill myself last night. I took twenty Ibprovines.. not good. I had to drink charcoal and not throw up, if I did.. I would of had to have a tube through my nose and throat to pump out my stomach. I had those little circle things on my chest, an iv, all that lovely shit. It sucked.. a lot. Thank god for matt and laurie for saving my life.. they really did. I just hope they don't hate me now. I just wanted to die. I never realized how much people cared about me. Or do they? I think so.. I hope so.. I mean, I almost died last night. That stuff attacks your liver, kidneys, exedra.. I really would have died had Matt not yelled at Laurie to call my mother. I'm kind of eh.. I don't know. I almost died.. I really did.. does anyone realize that? I know I did. I want people to know that. I almost wiped my face off of this fucking planet. Would you have been to my funeral? Huh? Would anyone cry at my funeral? I almost got sent back to Madison.. I'm so glad I didn't. I really need a hug from Matt and Laurie, if anyone who knows them reads this.. please tell them I need them, because I might be okay now.. but I almosted died.. and I want everyone to know how much I love them, and care.. I really do.. I'm sorry..

2004-02-20T08:06:00.000-08:00

Why do people think I worship the devil? No one deserves my worship! Lmao..

2004-02-20T08:02:00.000-08:00

Wee! Yes! I am in such a good mood today! (Ahh!! The end is coming!) Matt and I are kind of, I guess, "dating" in a sense, but not really. I don't know, I just know he cares about me.. so... yay!!!! Lol. I talked to Peetry for Laurie, it's not that he doesn't like her, he's just a hell of a lot like Matt, not wanting a relationship right now. Lol. I wuv vu. My birthday will be here in one day less than a month! Lol. I'm so excited. I want to have a hotel party.. I'll invite. Debora, Carolyn, Laurie, Ashley, Tricia, (shay?), nick, adam, matt, josh, jon, and any body else who'd like to come. I should have one good party, and one party were I just get wasted. :) That way no one is offended. Right? I'm so hungry right now though. I want to try and ride a skateboard. It'd be fun! Or, at least it really looks like it. Oh dear, why must I enjoy everything? Lol.. I should go. Loves!

2004-02-19T07:45:00.000-08:00

I hate boys!! Evil little cannabalistic bastards!! Fuck 'em! I'm going to be a nun! Thanks a lot a-holes!

2004-02-17T07:43:00.000-08:00

Why!? Why do I have to STILL like Matt? Do you know how long it's been that I've still been clinging to his side?? It sucks! Nick asked me out but I found out that he's been messing with his sister. Gross! Make me stop liking matt. I don't know.. I know I've been being kind of bad lately, make me stop?I'm tired.. nigh.t

2004-02-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

I'm not really sure what to talk about, if any one really cares. I have the biggest crush of all on Matt Waterman, to bad he doesn't even like me. I think Drew is a little cute too, oh no.. someone shoot me. Oie. I've really changed.. and I'm not sure if that is good or bad, ya' know? It's nice to be getting some of my friends back though.. I just wish I could get the guy I want. I feel like I'm unattractive to everyone. It sucks. Maybe because I really do care about Matt. And seeing how close we've come, i really don't want to be used.. how do I know? What do I do?

2004-01-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

Well, I got home and I was happy at first, then I came back to reality.. now here is how it goes...

someone shoot me, some one shoot me, aim for my head, do it quickly, if you shoot me, I must die! (repeat)

2004-01-16T01:11:00.000-08:00

Sierra is going to go to Oaklawn, wee. Nice, huh? I'm hoping to get in today. It'd be really bad if I didn't. By the by, Matt tried to break up with me.. isn' t that lovely? He's still with me, but man my life really blows right now. I'm so depressed, and I'm... just going to go..

2004-01-15T10:11:00.000-08:00

I think people should stop reading my blog.. it's so depressing.. why? Because I'm depressed. I got harassed again by one of Kyle's fans.. to top it off, I don't think Matt even likes me anymore. I told my mother about my scars and cuts, and now she's making sure I'm not.. can I now? I'm going to cry.. I really want to.. I want to die, and cry.. most of all.. I just want all this pain to go away..

2004-01-14T17:07:00.000-08:00

Hey.. Madonna is not that bad. I'm just depressed right now, again. I wasn't at school. I finally told the nurse I had been cutting and burning myself, that the Zoloft wasn't working, and that I admitt now I seriously need someone to help me.. because no one would, and it rips me up inside. Does no one care? Am I truely so horrible? Tell me.. please...

2004-01-14T17:02:00.000-08:00

MADONNA- POWER OF GOODBYE

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no

You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress you had to burn
Pain is a warning that something's wrong
I pray to God that it won't be long
Do ya wanna go higher?

Chorus:

There's nothing left to try
There's no place left to hide
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Your heart is not open so I must go
The spell has been broken, I loved you so
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress

Chorus2:

There's nothing left to lose
There's no more heart to bruise
There's no greater power
Than the power of good-bye

Learn to say good-bye
I yearn to say good-bye

2004-01-14T17:00:00.000-08:00

MADONNA- FROZEN

You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Chorus:

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

2004-01-13T19:26:00.000-08:00

I keep having this back thought that I don't trust Matt, he knows something right now.. and he's not telling me. It's bad. I can sense it right now, or am I just worried? I do care for him.. though I just have this feeling right now. Maybe I should call him.. I don't know. I know I'll beat him to a pulp if I find he's cheated on me or anything. :: Growls.:: I refuse to be hurt for a third time by male.

2004-01-11T18:19:00.000-08:00

WHOA!! They have spell check on these damn things!? Who knew!!!!????

2004-01-11T18:16:00.000-08:00

Wow.. I'm talking to one of my best friends, finding out he basically raped this girl.. I'm trying to concole a rapist, when I was raped too.. well, I guess it wasn't rape. Huh? The guy says it wasn't, and I don't remember.. lovely how it works, huh? I feel so alone lately. When do I get the time to cry? I found out two of my friends are engaged, I can't say who, but I'm so happy for them- you have no idea. I was friends with the first, but then I met the other and I had just this weird sense of not.. deja vu, but something different, like I'd be seeing her with the other soon.. oh well.. I wish I wasn't feeling alone. I have a wonderful boyfriend, but I just want to run away still.. wolves.. why'd I have to be the loner? No one will leave me alone though, and yet.. I don't want to be left alone, so I continously let them harass me in my morbid sorrows.. melodramatic, isn't it?

2004-01-11T13:16:00.000-08:00

Okay.. I'm crying now, not sure if I'm feeling better or not. Um, well.. this sucks. Can someone come over to my house and shoot me? I'll give you the address.. please? I'll give you ten bucks. Cash, not check.. I promise. Wow.. my ferrets.. okay, so I can't die, and that really sucks.. but someone kidnap me and torture me to death.. or something, just make sure my babies are fed. They have good souls.. "I never thought, I'd die alone. I laughed the loudest who'd have known."

2004-01-11T13:10:00.000-08:00

Wow, what a wonderful day to lay down and die. Was raped and molested, nicknamed and yelled at, might as well! I mean, the sun is shining.. the trees are screaming, the roads are poluting.. hey, I was supposed to call Tricia, i'm sorry tricia.. I really want to die, or cry, or both.. I'm not sure yet..

2004-01-08T12:53:00.000-08:00

You are Form 1, Goddess: The Creator.

"And The Goddess planted the acorn of life.
She cried a single tear and shed a single drop
of blood upon the earth where she buried it.
From her blood and tear, the acorn grew into
the world."

Some examples of the Goddess Form are Gaia (Greek),
Jehova (Christian), and Brahma (Indian).
The Goddess is associated with the concept of
creation, the number 1, and the element of
earth.
Her sign is the dawn sun.

As a member of Form 1, you are a charismatic
individual and people are drawn to you.
Although sometimes you may seem emotionally
distant, you are deeply in tune with other
people's feelings and have tremendous empathy.
Sometimes you have a tendency to neglect your
own self. Goddesses are the best friends to
have because they're always willing to help.

2004-01-08T09:42:00.000-08:00

This pain I have is more then I can handle.. I want to die, but I can't- I'm to scared to. I'm so depressed and yet I'm ashamed to be sad.. everything fucking sucks. Someone just take the pain away..

2004-01-08T07:41:00.000-08:00

This just.. sucks. I had to relive everything of my past when I spoke to the CPS, on top of that I've had a total of eight hours asleep for two days. I'm in way to much pain, four IBprovines everytime.. and I still feel the pain, I can hardly move. And Kyle decides to have Stephanie call me, then show up with her and two other girls to my house asking for his stuff.. then right when I go to slam the door in his face.. guess what he does? Steps in the way, hands me a gift, and asks me to remember him on the 15th.. I broke down so badly, I started snapping, I broke down.. and I'll probably be going to Olmbudsmen now, because with the Court coming up to testify against Don and someone else that I actually care about, I can't handle school.. so I'll have to collect people's numbers and stuff.. if they even want me too.. well.. I'll go now.. bye.. I guess..

2004-01-05T22:30:00.000-08:00

I'm.. extremely drepressed.. the joy.

2004-01-05T17:42:00.000-08:00

OMFG!! WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?? THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID. WHAT THE FUCKING FUCKER FUCKING FUCK.. FUCK!!!

2004-01-05T17:37:00.000-08:00

Count Von Blood [8:31 PM]: well, I remember when Matt told Talin that he hates people who try to talk sophisticated, when that's what he tried to do today, and he fucking made a big scene harassing my friends when we didn't say a word, he got the same goddamn piercing I was gonna get, and he was wearing one of my straight jackets today, he looked exactly fucking like me
Count Von Blood [8:31 PM]: he's trying to fucking be me and it fucking goddamn pisses me off
Gothic6Kitten66 [8:32 PM]: He's not... never mind, I'll be silent and go.
Count Von Blood [8:32 PM]: I know what he's doing, he goes through stages where he goes with the flow, and right now his flow is whatever he thinks will please you
Count Von Blood [8:33 PM]: he went through his drug dealer ghetto stage last year, then his Schroen stage this year, now he's fuckin bein me
Count Von Blood [8:33 PM]: I fuckin hate posers
Count Von Blood [8:33 PM]: and pretenders
Count Von Blood [8:33 PM]: and he fucking came up to me with fingers blazin today for no fucking goddamn reason
Gothic6Kitten66 [8:33 PM]: Everything is not what you think it is, Kyle.. I think I should go now though.
Count Von Blood [8:33 PM]: even Talin has my back now because he's startin shit after I already said I had nothin to do with shit anymore
Count Von Blood [8:33 PM]: HE FUCKING TOLD ME
Gothic6Kitten66 [8:33 PM]: No! Kyle..
Count Von Blood [8:33 PM]: I take his words from his goddamn mouth
Gothic6Kitten66 [8:34 PM]: No arguing.
Gothic6Kitten66 [8:34 PM]: I'm going to go, okay?
Gothic6Kitten66 [8:34 PM]: So we don't fight.
Count Von Blood signed off at 8:34 PM

2004-01-05T16:56:00.000-08:00

Hey, I changed my last name to match my new boyfriend. I'm an ass hole. The thing I want people to know is.. I'm not a slut.. I don't just jump from one boyfriend to another. I think about things, and I need to keep myself safe.. I don't know.. I'm not a bad person..

2004-01-05T16:54:00.000-08:00

Omg.. this is way to much for me to handle. Carolyn tried to live with us for a while now, but in a way she kind of lied to me.. thank god I have Matt. I'm just so scared, I know he loves me.. right? Am I really such a horrible person? I feel so bad.. I also missed two days of Zoloft. I'm totaly freaked out. I guess.. I don't know. I just need to rest. I'm going to cry.. all right, I need to chill. I'm going to just go lay down and rest.. Night babes.

2004-01-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

Quizil, quizil, mew?

You're GOTHIC sexy! You have a dark sexy style,
which is a classic seductive kind of sexy. Your
style is more unique than the average person!

your asshole.

Your soul is bound to the Solitary Rose: The
Alone.

"When I wake up alone, the shades are still
drawn on the cold window pane so they cast
their lines on my bed and lines on my
face."

The Solitary Rose is associated with loneliness,
melancholy, and patience. It is governed by
the goddess Merope and its sign is The Sword,
or Unrequited Love.

As a Solitary Rose, you may be summed up as a
hopeless romantic. You desire love and have so
much love to give, but thing just never seem to
work out the way you want them to. In life,
you can be very optomistic, even when things
are gray and nothing works out to your
expectations.

2004-01-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

All right.. so now I'm dating Matt. Yay! And he's being a complete sweet heart, though he doesn't show much attention sometimes, and that of course gets to a little piesces like me. I kept trying to talk to Kyle, but he keeps making me feel like crap. Not to mention he's going around saying I want him back, but since I have a boyfriend he just has to stay single. That's not true though. I'm giving up I believe, I don't want to feel like crap. And he keeps saying horrible things of Matt. Laurie got a boyfriend! It was so incrediably cute! By the by, I need to develope those pictures!!!! MUWAHAHAH!! I win. Lol. It was funny as hell, Matt, me, Laurie, and Jon were all watching a movie, and I forget what it was because I was falling asleep. Lol. Then Carolyn calls, because she was to take the bus to Goshen, but found herself in downtown Elkhart, oh believe me I didn't let her live that one down! Matt and I are match makers, we got people together! When I started going back out with Kyle, Ashley asked me if my heart was there.. she had just seen me with Matt, and I felt bad, because I knew it wasn't. So.. I'm happy now! Oh my gosh! You should have been there, Matt, Carolyn, and I played Black Jack, but with bets. Let's see.. well, let's just say it sucked ass big time. Lol. Nothing bad though I promise! I was taking my Zoloft though in my mom's room, and she always has a glass of water on her counter, so I took a drink... and found out it wasn't water, but wine. Nasty tasting wine! I don't know what to say now.. I have two baby ferrets! They're so cute, awwwww. Does anyone even read this? HEY A-HOLE!! READ ME!! READ ME! READ ME! :: Mews.:: I downloaded the Cha Cha slide, lmao. :: Dances.:: Anyway, let's see.. my mother and Hank are getting a divorce, I'm going to miss Ashley and Allison.. Ashley's babies will be born in April.. and I won't be the aunty! A-holio!! Call me, I have no friends.. I'll give you a dollar, please? come on... All right you a-bowl, be that way! Okay, so I should go now, huh? Otay like-bye!

2003-12-19T08:17:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to sound like a blubbering fool.. It's just, I really loved Kyle.. I still do. He was my first boyfriend, my first kiss, he meant the world to me.. he meant everything. But he's so easy to turn against me.. it's like he doesn't truely like me at all, you know? It makes me sad inside.. that I have to go off and find someone else, I don't want to right now. No boyfriends, just what I need.. so I can rest, and get over what just happened to me. I don't have the energy to really even look out for myself, let alone worry about other people. Well, I mean take care of myself, not look out for myself. I can still do that. I wish someone could just like me for who I am. I'm sick of deciet and lust, and all of it.. exspecially in Kyle's little cult thing, but he'd never see that. Even Tony admitted Kyle is stubborn. And all those girls just circling him to sleep with him... but.. it's his choice, and I can't worry. I need to rest. Thus, I'm glad Matt's been there for me. He really has. I ranted to him for like a half hour if not more, then fell asleep on his shoulder in the car because I was so tired. I don't flirt, I don't know how to flirt, honestly. Have an idea? Tell me! (crypticlullaby@aol.com) :: sighs:: Matt is really nice though. He's been there for me really.. a lot. Jake kept me from suicide, maybe there is a bad and a good to everyone. Not just one way or another.. I should go now though, please tell me if I'm hated. Bye.. Kenny's tickling me!!!!!! ::whimpers::

2003-12-19T08:07:00.000-08:00

Quizil Time!! :: Purs.:: Hey.. I want to feel better.

As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming of

You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.

You're just the happy go-lucky type. You might have
your pet peeves, but other than that, you're
mainly calm. Blending in with your
surroundings, you're the type of person who
everyone likes. Usually it's you who cracks
jokes at social gatherings - after all,
laughter is the best medicine. Sometimes you
pretend to be stupid, but in all actuality, you
could be the next Einstein.

You're a natural born trouble-maker. You hate
authority and do everything you can to get
around the law, or in some cases, break it.
Naturally stubborn, you hardly ever sway once a
decision is made. Your nature is fiery and
courageous, and always out-going. You love
attention and usually have kinky fetishes
you're not afraid to explore. People either
love you or hate you.

2003-12-19T07:46:00.000-08:00

I haven't really been here for a long while.. I know. I have so many things to say. Or, I think I do. I went out with Jake, we broke up.. went back out with Kyle, and he got all pissy cause I'm friends with Matt. Now I just want to cry again, you know? I mean, please.. I'm not a horrible person, right? Why do people have to live in hate? I can't, I don't know how. And all over Kyle's message board is lust and lies, you know how hard it is for me to read it each day? Why the hell do i? I give up.. I tried suicide twice all ready, Jake caught be both times. I was raped and molested.. and I can hardly get any support... I want you to know. I really hate life right now..

2003-11-20T17:40:00.000-08:00

I'm going to cry so hard tonight. I went home early from school because I had a break down. So many rumors are going on about me, that I'm dating two guys.. that cheate on Kyle, that I'm being a whore. I've done nothing! On top of that Kyle came over to try and win me back.. I was in tears all day. So he thinks I'm going to go back to him, Jake thinking I'm totally into him, and Matt probably thinking I'm into him fully too. Look, I just want a friend! Stop trying to take me.. I don't know, I'm going to go cry again.

2003-11-17T08:33:00.000-08:00

Kyle broke up with me, not only that but he's telling every one I cheated on him when I didn't. So much for the love of my life..

2003-11-14T05:09:00.000-08:00

All right, Concord, so sorry, don't mean to be rude- but your newsletters and your concord live program suck! They suck horribly! I'm constantly bored! DO someting interesing for crying out loud. No one gives a ---- about what certain classes are doing, the honor students. They don't do anything- that's why they're on honor role! For crying out loud put something cool on there, put a good band in the paper. Do I have to do it all myself? That's it! I'm starting my own magazine!!

2003-11-10T12:43:00.000-08:00

Oh, crazy, crazy, crazy- f-ck! All right, first off. If imgnation was nothing but, why the hell d many imaginations of ideals often summit the same imagery as the next? HA! Thus what is the essence of right wrong but within the blinking pupil of the imaginator, and that virus that so closes the eyes of the innovent. For they are not the innocent but the wise, unlocked in the pure and yet stupified by that of what they cannot remember. Right, gatta go lay down... jetting.

2003-11-10T12:37:00.000-08:00

Something is severely f-cked up today within my mind- isn't that lovely? I finished reading my Stephen King novel, I'm sick, and I forgot to take my medicine- maybe that's why I feel insane? I seriously have the biggest urge to write or read or tell some one something, but hell if I understand it. This is very confusing, I understand it, but it's confusing. Don't take me back to reality yet, there is still some new things I have yet to unlock within my mind that I already know just never admit. Thus I should stop acting as if I am a moron at school, and speak up that I understand the essence of it. Yeah, and confuse and strike terror into the minds that are way to fragile? I need to think abut this, I kind of hope I'm not the only one who thinks like this. You have no idea how many times I've been told that I was born to revolutionize the world.. well, sh-t, here goes nuthin'.

2003-11-07T05:00:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired, and I even went to bed two hours early! What's wrong with me? I had a dream that I five year old shot me in the chest, then tried to shoot me again! I'll be moving out within the next week, yay! My mother wants me to call Jake to help us, he's just like my big brother, but Kyle hates him.. and doesn't want me to talk to him. How do I tell him? I can't just not tell him, I'm not like that- I don't lie. Oie.. I'll think about that later, after I go home and sleep for a long while. I have to see my father and grandparents on Saturday, so let's all hope everything goes well.. I guess I should go, well, quizil time!

2003-11-06T05:58:00.000-08:00

I'm going to cry, this html thing is giving me hell again! It just won't save. ::Cries.:: I'll probably get in trouble though if my teacher catches me typing on this thing again. My boyfriend isn't here today, I get to face the many annoyances all alone. ::Whimper.:: Oh well..

2003-11-05T21:40:00.000-08:00

All right, I just had one hell of a long day. I'm so exhausted, but hey! At least I made my love look good for his sinister gallery he's making. I'm suppose to be next for it. I'm still trying to dance, how lovely. What's getting me ahead is my confidence and preformance I suppose, thanks to color guard. I wish I could just go to sleep in Bloodletter's arms.. that way I know I'd be safe.

2003-11-04T06:46:00.000-08:00

*Quizil Time!*

You are Form 9, Vampire: The Undying.

"And The Vampire was all that remained on
the blood drowned creation. She attempted to
regrow life from the dead. But as she was
about to give the breath of life, she was
consumed in the flame of The Phoenix and the
cycle began again."

The Vampire is associated with the concept of
death, the number 9, and the element of fire.
Her sign is the eclipsed moon.
As a member of Form 9, you are a very realistic
individual. You may be a little idealistic,
but you are very grounded and down to earth.
You realize that not everything lasts, but you
savor every minute of the good times. While
you may sometimes find yourself lonely, you
have strong ties with people that will never be
broken. Vampires are the best friends to have
because they are sensible.

::Mews:: Quizil, quizil, quizil.

You are Form 4, Gargoyle: The Fallen.

"And The Gargoyle mended his wings from the
blood of the fallen so he could rise up from
imprisonment. With great speed and
resourcefulness, Gargoyle made the world his
for the taking."

The Gargoyle is associated with the concept of
success, the number 4, and the element of wood.
His sign is the new moon.
As a member of Form 4, you are a creative and
resourceful individual. You are always
thinking of possible solutions to problems you
face and you generally choose one that is
right. Much of your success comes from your
ability to look at things a little differently
than everyone else. Gargoyles are the best
friends to have because they don't always take
things for face value.

2003-11-04T06:30:00.000-08:00

Today, is just one of those days where there are people you hate, and people you love. I seem to be in a just pure neautral mood, though easily switched from one to the other. I should be out of this mood soon, if not all hell is going to break lose. So much for taking Zoloft, right? Some times things just go in the world. Wait! I am moving into my apartment soon, and I am able to get a kitten! It's a wonderful cathedral ceiling with a balcony and view of the lake. So, I'm happy nonetheless. I just wish I could have some patience for the dumb right now... heh'.